Couch Constitutionalist Gifts

"You know what'd be cool? If the President nominated me for the Supreme Court." "Say what?" "It's a lifetime appointment. Once I got the job, I could just sit there and twiddle my thumbs, and nobody could fire me." "I could sit there during oral arguments and just play games all day on my iPad." "Sounds like a sweet deal." "Plus I'd get to wear a black robe. I could get super fat and no one would ever notice."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'Do you think it might be possible that what you wear could be a contributing factor to your relationship problems?'

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"If you could be any Bob Dylan you wanted to, which Bob Dylan would you be?"

Studies show foods work miracles!

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Bloody hell!"

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"Can you hypnotise me into being in shape?"

"All of a dither as per usual!"

"Can't we have 'PRESS BUTTON' to shut up the commentator's gobbledegook."

Trivia Night in Apartment 8-G

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"And next up, Fairy Tales: FolkLORE or FolkLIES!"

'John is watching the game under protest.'

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

"You're overthinking it. Sometimes a belly rub is just a belly rub."

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

'Care to join in some of my avoidance behaviour?'

Psychiatrist with bust of Freud

"Scientists confirmed today that everything we know about the structure of the universe is wrongedy-wrong-wrong."

How to be a Dynamic Over-achiever

"China now says it will withdraw its opposition to the missile-defense shield if the F.B.I. builds it."

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

"It all started when I didn't grow up in a palatial estate."

"Tom, let's explore why you feel Andrea's inability to understand 'icing the puck' is passive-aggressive."

"I watched a Lassie marathon today and realized that I really need to step up my game."

Axel, I notice you read a lot of highbrow books

"I'm an agnostic now that I've started having self doubts."

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."