Corporate Comedy Enjoyer Gifts

"At least we no longer have the pressure of handling so much money."

"This position has become very important to the company."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

'Well the good news is that we've landed some huge contracts in China!'

"Would you say that the sales projections in your 3 year plan are realistic?"

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'

'Office' block tightening it's belt

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"Your mother called to remind you to diversify."

'Can he call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

"Does anyone here have a clue what it is we used to get?"

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

Office pics on dinner table.

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

'What's wrong? Think the walls have ears?'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"He'll do anything to say in power."

In and Out Sourced.

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

Office meeting

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'