Corporate Comedy Enjoyer Pillows

"At least we no longer have the pressure of handling so much money."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"This position has become very important to the company."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

'Well the good news is that we've landed some huge contracts in China!'

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'

"Would you say that the sales projections in your 3 year plan are realistic?"

'Office' block tightening it's belt

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

'Can he call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

"Your mother called to remind you to diversify."

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

"Does anyone here have a clue what it is we used to get?"

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

Office pics on dinner table.

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

'What's wrong? Think the walls have ears?'

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

In and Out Sourced.

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"He'll do anything to say in power."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."