Comedy Tactician Gifts

Famous Last Words: 'Ready!...Fire!...Aim!...

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

'Sir, your tweeting coach is here.'

"Works every time."

'So far, sir, we've rejected plans A,B, C, D, E, F, and right now we're evaluating'G'.'

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

War never felt the same after the Great Puppy Ambush.

The Use of Cavalry

Commando crashes into wall, instead of through window.

'This paintball war has really spun out of control.'

"Tell us again — a little less graphic."

Man and bird

Being unable to clearly articulate responses to interview questions is a common mistake...

'With your permission sir... checkmate.'

Kosovo.

Comparing the headlines of three different New York based newspapers.

'I wish i could think of some way to get away form him.' 'I wish i could think of some way to get away form her.'

"I have the new list of approved tweets."

"I know I told you to fool him into thinking you've got nothing left, but now you've got me convinced."

'Blue Fox to Swat Team: execute on my count of three and when officer O'Rourke has fastened his bootlace.'

'Sir! We're all doomed! It's a fitted sheet! How can we ever hope to stop something we can't even fold?!'

'Man, I can't believe we didn't think of this before.'

"Now we have all your arrows!"

"We can stop the bombardment - the castle surrendered."

"I haven't been in any academic journals but I do get my Tweets re-Tweeted a lot."

'Roger that...I'm taking the first clean shot I can get.'

'Remember his weakness is a pulled tendon, so keep it as high as your bursitis will let you, but take it easy with your fast ball because of my bone chips.'

"Passive-aggressive musical chairs." "You sit. I don’t deserve to" "I couldn’t possibly." "Maybe two of us could share." "Someone else go first." "I actually prefer standing."

"Very well done, Samuels. But next time, don't forget your handcuffs."

'We've come to invade your privacy.'

"Lets stop arguing about the pool. We'll divide it in half and stay on our half."