Comedy Tactician Gifts

Famous Last Words: 'Ready!...Fire!...Aim!...

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

'Sir, your tweeting coach is here.'

'So far, sir, we've rejected plans A,B, C, D, E, F, and right now we're evaluating'G'.'

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

"Works every time."

War never felt the same after the Great Puppy Ambush.

"I just tweeted a chirp."

Armstrong, the new Ybox game console comes out next week. I've got to get in line at Computer Villa. Nope. You are callous and inhumane. Fortunately, I have a backup plan. Computer Villa sale! If anyone cuts, chew their nose off.

The Use of Cavalry

Commando crashes into wall, instead of through window.

"Tell us again — a little less graphic."

Man and bird

'This paintball war has really spun out of control.'

'With your permission sir... checkmate.'

Being unable to clearly articulate responses to interview questions is a common mistake...

Kosovo.

Comparing the headlines of three different New York based newspapers.

'I wish i could think of some way to get away form him.' 'I wish i could think of some way to get away form her.'

"I have the new list of approved tweets."

'Blue Fox to Swat Team: execute on my count of three and when officer O'Rourke has fastened his bootlace.'

'Sir! We're all doomed! It's a fitted sheet! How can we ever hope to stop something we can't even fold?!'

Manager. Managing a political campaign and a baseball team are alike in many ways. A campaign is launched with a "first pitch," when a candidate gives a speech selling himself or herself. I change pitchers based on the game situation. In politics and baseball, sometimes it's best to come from the right side and sometimes it's best to come from the left side. We study our competitors' weaknesses and exploit those. In politics we call that "opposition research." And I don't worry about the

"I know I told you to fool him into thinking you've got nothing left, but now you've got me convinced."

'Man, I can't believe we didn't think of this before.'

"Now we have all your arrows!"

"I haven't been in any academic journals but I do get my Tweets re-Tweeted a lot."

'Roger that...I'm taking the first clean shot I can get.'

"We can stop the bombardment - the castle surrendered."

'Remember his weakness is a pulled tendon, so keep it as high as your bursitis will let you, but take it easy with your fast ball because of my bone chips.'

'He's switched from tweeting on Twitter to growling on a new social media site called Growler. Suits him better.'

"I want conventional and nuclear battle plans on my desk. It's time to take this Twitter war to the next level."

"Lets stop arguing about the pool. We'll divide it in half and stay on our half."

"Passive-aggressive musical chairs." "You sit. I don’t deserve to" "I couldn’t possibly." "Maybe two of us could share." "Someone else go first." "I actually prefer standing."

'We've come to invade your privacy.'