Tactical Comedian Gifts

"Very well done, Samuels. But next time, don't forget your handcuffs."

"Extreme miming"

"Between you, Alexa, and Siri, I'm just in a house surrounded by women who think they know everything."

After defeating terror, George and his friends declare war on mild irritation and clouds.

"With an average vote of 3.5 stars, the legislation is passed."

'Our recommended position on the market is fetal.'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

'As far as we can tell, the system went down because someone stepped on a crack in the sidewalk.'

'Some hackers have broken into the system. It goes in as molten steel, and it comes out as chicken gumbo soup.'

Commando crashes into wall, instead of through window.

"Three more classes and I get my belt."

Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He's not going to win. He was the first to announce. No first-announcer has won since 1952. Besides, his name's too similar to Tom Cruise. And Tom Cruise is so not in right now. HOJ. We should have our own political show. If I an do it shirtless, I'm in.

"He's our back-up if our computers fail."

'Sir! We're all doomed! It's a fitted sheet! How can we ever hope to stop something we can't even fold?!'

'Blue Fox to Swat Team: execute on my count of three and when officer O'Rourke has fastened his bootlace.'

Monet At Open Mic Night

Jim's Smart Kettle

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

Psychic TV Guru & Cellular Phone Commercial Spin.

'My new browser is so fast I have to take motion sickness pills.'

'We're running combat maneuvers on our 3 year old?'

"Hold on, one more thing to go."

"He can't tell his left from his right."

"Russia is run by rich oligarchs. America is run by rich insurance companies."

Unsound

'Roger that...I'm taking the first clean shot I can get.'

Ye Olde FIgure-Drawing Classe

The Slumber Party.

Gary Johnson

'Have you heard about the origami shop?'

Now THAT was a speech with something for everybody!

Make Your Own

'It's a great plan, but we'll need a human being to be front man.'