Tactical Comedian Pillows

"Very well done, Samuels. But next time, don't forget your handcuffs."

"Extreme miming"

After defeating terror, George and his friends declare war on mild irritation and clouds.

"With an average vote of 3.5 stars, the legislation is passed."

"Between you, Alexa, and Siri, I'm just in a house surrounded by women who think they know everything."

'Our recommended position on the market is fetal.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

'As far as we can tell, the system went down because someone stepped on a crack in the sidewalk.'

'Some hackers have broken into the system. It goes in as molten steel, and it comes out as chicken gumbo soup.'

Commando crashes into wall, instead of through window.

"Three more classes and I get my belt."

"He's our back-up if our computers fail."

'Sir! We're all doomed! It's a fitted sheet! How can we ever hope to stop something we can't even fold?!'

'Blue Fox to Swat Team: execute on my count of three and when officer O'Rourke has fastened his bootlace.'

Jim's Smart Kettle

Monet At Open Mic Night

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

Psychic TV Guru & Cellular Phone Commercial Spin.

'My new browser is so fast I have to take motion sickness pills.'

'We're running combat maneuvers on our 3 year old?'

'Roger that...I'm taking the first clean shot I can get.'

"Hold on, one more thing to go."

Unsound

"Russia is run by rich oligarchs. America is run by rich insurance companies."

"He can't tell his left from his right."

Ye Olde FIgure-Drawing Classe

The Slumber Party.

'It's a great plan, but we'll need a human being to be front man.'

'Have you heard about the origami shop?'

Make Your Own

Now THAT was a speech with something for everybody!

Gary Johnson

'Scottish Arts Council? I'm looking for sponsorship to help me sit through a performance of Gotterdammerung.'