Tactical Jokester Pillows

"This button is for ground-to-air missiles. The other one is for air-to-ground missiles."

"You can tell it's a genuine Ring of Power because it has a secret decoder AND a whistle."

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

"I think you should hire me for my vast software knowledge. . . and then pay for me to go learn software."

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

'The problem seems to be in the memory bank.'

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Commando crashes into wall, instead of through window.

"You idiots … we lost!"

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'I was told it required a log-in...'

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"Come on, dear...you can't blame everything on Russian hackers."

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'Blue Fox to Swat Team: execute on my count of three and when officer O'Rourke has fastened his bootlace.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

Athen's Theater. "Oedipus Rex" didn't test well as a title, Sophocles. How would you feel about calling it "My Big Fat Greek Tragedy"?

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

The Screeeen!

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

Interrupted Shower.

"Sorry, kid, the nutrition nannies threatened to shut me down if I didn't change from chocolate to tofu Easter eggs."

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

Unselfish by nature - he delights to show the novice where the big chub cruise...and where the best pike lie.

Gang of Musicians

"He was right about saving that box. It did come in handy."

Cloud computing.

'Roger that...I'm taking the first clean shot I can get.'