Tactical Jokester T-Shirts

"This button is for ground-to-air missiles. The other one is for air-to-ground missiles."

"You can tell it's a genuine Ring of Power because it has a secret decoder AND a whistle."

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"I think you should hire me for my vast software knowledge. . . and then pay for me to go learn software."

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

'The problem seems to be in the memory bank.'

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Commando crashes into wall, instead of through window.

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'I was told it required a log-in...'

"You idiots … we lost!"

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"Come on, dear...you can't blame everything on Russian hackers."

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

The Screeeen!

'Blue Fox to Swat Team: execute on my count of three and when officer O'Rourke has fastened his bootlace.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

'We're running combat maneuvers on our 3 year old?'

Cloud computing.

Unselfish by nature - he delights to show the novice where the big chub cruise...and where the best pike lie.

'I got them walkie-talkies... that way they can argue up to one mile apart.'

The disgusting, embarrassing sound of a whoopie cushion...

Interrupted Shower.

"Sorry, kid, the nutrition nannies threatened to shut me down if I didn't change from chocolate to tofu Easter eggs."

"He was right about saving that box. It did come in handy."

'Roger that...I'm taking the first clean shot I can get.'

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer