Comedic Tacticians Gifts

'Remember his weakness is a pulled tendon, so keep it as high as your bursitis will let you, but take it easy with your fast ball because of my bone chips.'

Portrait of a Serial Attorney.

"Works every time."

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

Armstrong, the new Ybox game console comes out next week. I've got to get in line at Computer Villa. Nope. You are callous and inhumane. Fortunately, I have a backup plan. Computer Villa sale! If anyone cuts, chew their nose off.

'Whenever I want to cut my lesson short, I ask the music teacher if she has any hip-hop music for the violin.'

'The cannon will go off every 20 minutes just to make sure you're paying attention,'

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

'This paintball war has really spun out of control.'

'You have a 9:00 A.M. appointment with your ophthalmologist to check your vision and a 11:00 A.M. appointment with the staff to rally the troops around your vision.'

'Do you mean I leave a lot to be desired bad, or a lot to be desired good?'

'Man, I can't believe we didn't think of this before.'

You need to stay home and study. Mom! It's an educational opportunity

"We can stop the bombardment - the castle surrendered."

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

You think you have feelings of worthlessness? You ought to see my portfolio!

'You mean if I want extra money I have to go to work? That's your job, dad.'

No Tread on Me

'Still saving money to finish that nose job eh?'

"Very well done, Samuels. But next time, don't forget your handcuffs."

So, what disturbing topic would you like to talk about today, Al? How about your new combover, Doctor?

"Lets stop arguing about the pool. We'll divide it in half and stay on our half."

'I've hired this musician to play a sad melody while I give you a sob story why I didn't do my homework. It's actually quite effective.'

'I chase women, but only to tell them about investment opportunities.'

'Sorry JD, there's been a takeover bid.'

Men telling stories

"There's a smidgen of Charlie Rose about you."

"Actually, I'm not a New York Yankees fan. I'm a New York Yankees cap fan."

Too-Humble Pie.

"You're rambling again Dennis."

'I want a divorce, Lenny.'

"It's time to go home and put our parents into a panic over the upcoming back to school shopping season..."

Military Cupid

'Chess Masters.'

Doctor's advice.