Comedic Survivalists Gifts

Advent Calendar 2022: Heating/Eating

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

Get crazy once in a while

'Well if I'm so 'bloody useless' perhaps you'd better read the map!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

Genetic Fingerprinting.

'They're right.polorized sunglasses do help you see better underwater.'

Fish Posting No Fishing Sign

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

"Before I start. . . . are you sure pruning doesn't violate the tree's rights?"

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

I'm getting old, I spotted a couple of brown hairs among the punk.

'Whenever I want to cut my lesson short, I ask the music teacher if she has any hip-hop music for the violin.'

'The cannon will go off every 20 minutes just to make sure you're paying attention,'

'Well, given that you have three broken ribs, laughing is bound to be painful...'

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

"It's our latest celebrity scent, it's called Elon Musk. It smells like money!"

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

'You have a 9:00 A.M. appointment with your ophthalmologist to check your vision and a 11:00 A.M. appointment with the staff to rally the troops around your vision.'

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

Tree growing

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

'It's called sustainable living. He can survive for days out here.'

'Why do I always pick the slow moving queue?'

'Nice this kite sailboat. But how do you actually land it?'

'You thought I'd gone out of business? What gave you that idea?'

"I have an existential dread of falling off your couch."

Welcome centre

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'