Comedic Thinkers Gifts

"Wver notice if you speed-read these cave drawings you invent animation?"

Agnostics Society: Absolute worst place to ask for directions.

"How many are just staying together for the kids? OK, that's good, very good."

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'Well, obviously if I'd known car tax was going to go up I'd have bought a more sensible vehicle.'

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

"Tia Carmen! Look! I invented a way to keep socks together in the wash! Come...let me show you!"

We live in a cancel culture? Somebody needs to tell this magazine's subscription department.

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

Zoo: No Hunting.

Genetic Fingerprinting.

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

X-RAY

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

Monkey Business College

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."