Comedic Scholars Gifts

SOCIOLOGY 101, 'I think I preferred the old 'true or false' tests to these new 'politically correct or politically incorrect' ones.'

"I gave permission for you to Skype my class, not skip it."

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

Zoo: No Hunting.

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

Genetic Fingerprinting.

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

Pop up begger.

Monkey Business College

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"