Comedic Academic Gifts

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

Monkey Business College

Surveying and statistics sections in a Library.

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

Wedding Day Itinerary.

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

Genetic Fingerprinting.

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

I'm here to update your census form. Since you mailed the form in, have any of your children moved back in with you?

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

Sorry, Rudy, no way can I raise your pay to $15 an hour. Why not? 'Cause that would destroy jobs. What would you do for a job once I moved the caf

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

Pop up begger.

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

"You heading south again this summer?"