Comedic Educator Gifts

Mrs. Ginder like to subtly call attention to those students who performed poorly on her tests.

"You want an original paper, no a retweet? I have no idea where I could download that."

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

Zoo: No Hunting.

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

Genetic Fingerprinting.

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

Monkey Business College

"You heading south again this summer?"

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

'Do you mean I leave a lot to be desired bad, or a lot to be desired good?'

Tree growing

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

" 'How I Spent My Sabbatical,' by Professor Harvey Brinkman."

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

The college of my choice.

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

'You thought I'd gone out of business? What gave you that idea?'

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"Where do you see yourself 5 years ago?"

"I have an existential dread of falling off your couch."

"Any other educational qualifications besides Trump university?"