Comedic Education Enthusiast Gifts

'I know I failed all the tests and never handed in any finished assignments. So what's your point?'

Wedding Day Itinerary.

Zoo: No Hunting.

Trumpeter swan meets trombone swan.

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

Monkey Business College

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

"You heading south again this summer?"

" 'How I Spent My Sabbatical,' by Professor Harvey Brinkman."

Tree growing

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

Flatulence in space...

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

'You thought I'd gone out of business? What gave you that idea?'

"I have an existential dread of falling off your couch."

'I ran out of excuses. My teacher taught us how to back up our homework on our computers.'

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"Where do you see yourself 5 years ago?"

"Any other educational qualifications besides Trump university?"

"Wait a minute! - First you say, 'Lay up treasures in Heaven,' and then you say, 'You can't take it with you'!"

Student to teacher: 'If my paper is late it's because I'm waiting for the most current event.'

'If they let me take you home for christmas, I'll be able to unwrap you with the presents...'

"It's your husband from beyond. He says stop trying to 'Google' him."