Comedic Classroom Gifts

Second grade would prove to be much tougher than grade one.

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'Good girl, Carol - now hands up all those who have lost their pens.'

'Smashing party, Miss - can we have another one tomorrow?'

"I know! I know! I K-n-o-w!. . . Um, what was the question?"

The full moon frenzy strikes again."

"I'm the Class Clown fish."

'My class is so large and my seat so far back, I feel like I'm taking a distance-learning course.'

"I can't tell you how it ended. That would ruin the sequel."

'Life isn't fair and neither is Miss Brown!'

'Actually, nowadays it's considered offensive to call an answer 'wrong'.'

'Well, when you mess up on the job, you know where you stand with me.'

The History Teacher

"I know your dad's a hedge fund manager, Amber, but you don't need a bigger piece of paper to draw a picture of your house."

Teacher's pet dog

'I will now read the results of my experiments in fruit genetics. . .'

'That's the bell for round two.'

Smirking or Non-smirking

'I give the same advice to all new teachers. Pretend you know what you are doing.'

The Ideal Teacher.

"Mom, no more apples for teacher. It looks like bribery."

'Parents have been complaining that I'm too strict? You want me to be a little less intimidating? Do you want me to send students to your office 47 times a day? I'm a 67-year-old woman dealing with 16-year-old thugs....

"I said 'I quit'. Nobody listens to me any more."

'Don't you hate undergoing peer review in these high school chemistry labs?'

"I think he sometimes regrets hiring a former first grade teacher as his secretary."

"Let me know if that level of medication is effective. And if we need to, we can give some to the student as well."

"I try to get a head start on them."

'Teachers' Dreams.''Did you just say F***? Care to repeat it so everyone can hear you or is even a four letter word beyond your abilities? ... And the state expects me to make you multisyllabic.'

'Psssst! What font are you using?'

"You have to not only show your answer, you have to show how you got your answer."

"Mr. Johnson always brings a sense of wonder to science class. I'm always wondering what he's talking about."

"Just teachers' lounge will suffice, Ed."

'I'd like to overwhelm them with instructional excellence, but I'm not above winning through intimidation.'

"So, Mrs. Miller, would you tell me briefly your methods for teaching reading, your overall philosophy of education, your views on testing, your ideas on discipline, your opinions about homework, the ways you could excite kids about science, and how you would upgrade math skills in our school should you be hired?"

'She wishes.'