Comedic Educator Pillows

"You want an original paper, no a retweet? I have no idea where I could download that."

Wedding Day Itinerary.

Zoo: No Hunting.

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

Genetic Fingerprinting.

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

Monkey Business College

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"You heading south again this summer?"

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

" 'How I Spent My Sabbatical,' by Professor Harvey Brinkman."

Tree growing

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

'Do you mean I leave a lot to be desired bad, or a lot to be desired good?'

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

The college of my choice.

'You thought I'd gone out of business? What gave you that idea?'

"Where do you see yourself 5 years ago?"

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"I have an existential dread of falling off your couch."

'I ran out of excuses. My teacher taught us how to back up our homework on our computers.'

"Wait a minute! - First you say, 'Lay up treasures in Heaven,' and then you say, 'You can't take it with you'!"