Comedic Psychologist Pillows

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

Genetic Fingerprinting.

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

X-RAY

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

Monkey Business College

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

"What if we don't like their country personas?"

Why is it the universe keeps expanding but there's never any room in my closet?

When psychiatry works too well!

"Great pet, but we should have given him less energy."

Tree growing