Comedic Philosopher Pillows

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

Serenity Prayer.

'Repent. The end is only 150 million years away.'

'One question. Now that death's over and done with, do I still have to worry about taxes?'

'I'm going to start living entirely in the now. From tomorrow.'

'I distinctly told them - NO STARCH!'

'Which would be cheaper, let bullies continue to take my lunch money or take karate lessons?'

'Actually, I learned a lot in college, but there are very few job openings out there for expert beer drinkers.'

"You wouldn't have anything to do with me, if I was the last man on earth?"

'Someone nicked them last night.'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

If a tree falls in the woods and there's nobody there to hear it, doe s it make a noise?

'When a girl says no, she means 'no'.'

'Hard to believe this the end result of the big bang!'

'I'll try, but you know how I feel about indoor cats.'

"They call it 'Turkey Day', but does anyone eat groundhogs on Groundhog Day?!"

'I've been having an identity crisis since I came out of the drawer,'

'First, let's meditate... then, we'll discuss whacking your adversary.'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'Trying to find yourself, eh? — have you tried Google?'

"I see no logic in the servant of an all-knowing, all-powerful deity requiring funds to do his bidding."

"I was rather hoping you'd tell me to beget!"

End of Times

A dollar bill dies and floats to heaven

"Yes, their lives changed when they won the lottery and bought a mansion, but not mine: I'm still not allowed in the house..."

"Lord, Satan rejected this fireman. What shall we do with him?

"You seek enlightenment? Here? Nitwit."

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

'You don't have to spend money to have a good time, Melinda -- you just have to get your DATE to spend it.'

"I was a philanthropist, but now not one of them will give me back even one red cent."

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

"Tuesday is my day off - leave a message..."