Comedically Inclined Philosopher Pillows

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

Biofelineism

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

Zoo: No Hunting.

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

Genetic Fingerprinting.

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

'Keep repeating to yourself: I am a high flyer, I will not dive for the salmon.'

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

Monkey Business College

"What fly?"

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"It's time to end the suffering."