Comedic Philosophers Pillows

"Yes, I must admit I've done rather well here."

Answer to Prayers - NO

Why is it the universe keeps expanding but there's never any room in my closet?

"I have to decide if I'm taking that advanced English class next semester. This is one of those big decisions that could have a huge impact on the rest of my life. It could change me forever! You know what that means?"

Smoke break in Heaven

Suddenly...something seemed to be funny.

"And for sport we've got a spittoon..."

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

Zoo: No Hunting.

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

Genetic Fingerprinting.

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'Keep repeating to yourself: I am a high flyer, I will not dive for the salmon.'

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

X-RAY

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

Monkey Business College

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"