Comedic Philosophers Gifts

"Yes, I must admit I've done rather well here."

Answer to Prayers - NO

"I have to decide if I'm taking that advanced English class next semester. This is one of those big decisions that could have a huge impact on the rest of my life. It could change me forever! You know what that means?"

Smoke break in Heaven

Suddenly...something seemed to be funny.

"And for sport we've got a spittoon..."

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

Genetic Fingerprinting.

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

'Keep repeating to yourself: I am a high flyer, I will not dive for the salmon.'

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

X-RAY

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

Pop up begger.

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'