Comedic Survivalist Gifts

'...Sorry we're stuck on here without any food.'

'I'll give you the keys to my new pick-up truck if you let go.'

Wedding Day Itinerary.

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

'Been waiting long?'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

Hunter with arrow pointing at him.

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

Genetic Fingerprinting.

'Now cut that out!'

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

Fish Posting No Fishing Sign

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

"Before I start. . . . are you sure pruning doesn't violate the tree's rights?"

Armstrong, the new Ybox game console comes out next week. I've got to get in line at Computer Villa. Nope. You are callous and inhumane. Fortunately, I have a backup plan. Computer Villa sale! If anyone cuts, chew their nose off.

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'Whenever I want to cut my lesson short, I ask the music teacher if she has any hip-hop music for the violin.'

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

'The cannon will go off every 20 minutes just to make sure you're paying attention,'

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

'You are here' sign on desert island.

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

Great, the skeletons of all the other cartoon characters who were here before us.

'You have a 9:00 A.M. appointment with your ophthalmologist to check your vision and a 11:00 A.M. appointment with the staff to rally the troops around your vision.'

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

"You heading south again this summer?"

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

Tree growing

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

'Why do I always pick the slow moving queue?'