Comedic Lifesaver Gifts

"Of course being celibate, all my advice is second-hand via the internet..."

"Soul searching? Yes, you could call it that."

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"Who's got the hammer?"

Man with fishing line going into water. Fishing line coming down from sky.

Kid with 'Little Wellness Facilitator' kit

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

Breast Height Chart

Only then, did Medusa realise her mistake.

Beer $.50. I've had lot of psychological therapy, but none of it seems to help. Maybe you

Insecurities of the Bald Eagle.

'Just remember, he's bigger, but you're funnier. As soon as he starts laughing, you've got him!'

'The guys say that the stripper won't be available before our wedding...would you mind if I had my bachelor party after the honeymoon?'

Don't worry, the first 30 years as a paramedic are the hardest.

'I used to trade in futures until I learned the planet doesn't have one.'

"It's only until the gas prices go down and I can afford to drive the car again. Maybe you should have an ambulance follow me."

"Haven't you a small one that would fit into a soldier's pack?"

'I hope you all appreciate the irony in this.'

"If you'll excuse me fellas. I have to see a man about a dog. Specifically-this dog."

'Alright, alright. I had a hard day fighting crime. No need to get smart about it.'

'Cool it with the herbal shampoo -- you've got aphids.'

"Our records show that you unsubscribed to our company's e-newsletter. We need to have a little talk."

"Whisky? Have you got anything stronger?"

'The pain in my head always seems to subside when I flush your bills down the toilet!'

Cat doctor to cat patient sitting on exam table 'All I'm saying is liposuction won't help if you don't lay off the tuna smoothies.'

To insure Rodney's safe websurfing, Thelma sets her own parental controls.

"Well done Carson! This could be the answer to our bed shortage problems!"

'... and then he slammed the door in my face...'

"I hear a pet can help prolong your life. Got any that know the Heimlich maneuver?"

"I guess I'll never understand women."

Pirate Paddle Boat.

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

"You keep him busy while I go for help."

'It's your lucky day. I just went vegan.'