Comedic Therapist Gifts

"You're enjoying this, aren't you – hammering away at my credibility."

'I want a divorce, Lenny.'

You think you have feelings of worthlessness? You ought to see my portfolio!

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

Armstrong, the new Ybox game console comes out next week. I've got to get in line at Computer Villa. Nope. You are callous and inhumane. Fortunately, I have a backup plan. Computer Villa sale! If anyone cuts, chew their nose off.

Caution. Slippery when wet.

'You're either getting smaller or they're giving you bigger pillows.'

'He's lookin' at me!'

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

Al, you need to get over your childish desire for a pony. It's not childish, doctor. I only started wanting one last week.

A therapist reads to his patient from a joke book.

"5 second rule!"

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

I told you to take the stairs instead of elevators. Taking escalators isn't meeting me halfway.

'Hi Honey! I wanted to thank you for taking the baby to day care this morning!'

REPORT CARD, 'This is going to be tough to spin.'

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

'Remember his weakness is a pulled tendon, so keep it as high as your bursitis will let you, but take it easy with your fast ball because of my bone chips.'

'I got the idea from a veterinarian friend of mine.'

'We offer counselling for customers with gearbox issues.'

With Friends Like These

"Would you mind turning down your Walkman just a little!"

"We're still figuring out how to monetise him."

"I was gonna try yoga, but I don't actually bend so that's not going to work."

'I feel unimportant and worthless because the NSA doesn't spy on me.'

"Doctor! This is not the time for the 'pull my finger' gag!"

'A good rule of thumb is never to eat anything that won't fit into your microwave.'

"Since this whole COVID thing I've had to adjust my practice."

'You're not sucking. You're playing.'

'What a tactless, insensitive thing to say!'

'Al has vowed to climb the Food Pyramid...one mouthful at a time.'