Comedic Consultant Gifts

'So, you're a serious investor? Lighten up!'

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Caution. Slippery when wet.

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

'You're either getting smaller or they're giving you bigger pillows.'

"I wouldn't want to be in your shoes."

'He's lookin' at me!'

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

Al, you need to get over your childish desire for a pony. It's not childish, doctor. I only started wanting one last week.

"5 second rule!"

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

REPORT CARD, 'This is going to be tough to spin.'

I told you to take the stairs instead of elevators. Taking escalators isn't meeting me halfway.

You think you have feelings of worthlessness? You ought to see my portfolio!

Flying Ear Specialist

'Hi Honey! I wanted to thank you for taking the baby to day care this morning!'

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

'I got the idea from a veterinarian friend of mine.'

'We offer counselling for customers with gearbox issues.'

With Friends Like These

"Would you mind turning down your Walkman just a little!"

'...You are on a waiting list to be ill.'

"We're still figuring out how to monetise him."

The immortal philosopher Murphy sets pen to paper...

"I was gonna try yoga, but I don't actually bend so that's not going to work."

"Doctor! This is not the time for the 'pull my finger' gag!"

'Dude, you better get outta' my whey.'

'I want a divorce, Lenny.'

'A good rule of thumb is never to eat anything that won't fit into your microwave.'

"Since this whole COVID thing I've had to adjust my practice."

'I do not think I'm a God. God like, yes. But not God.'