Comedic Doctor Gifts

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

Al, you need to get over your childish desire for a pony. It's not childish, doctor. I only started wanting one last week.

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

A therapist reads to his patient from a joke book.

"5 second rule!"

"Enough medical mumbo jumbo, just give it to me straight, Doc-will I ever be able to play piano again?"

REPORT CARD, 'This is going to be tough to spin.'

I told you to take the stairs instead of elevators. Taking escalators isn't meeting me halfway.

You think you have feelings of worthlessness? You ought to see my portfolio!

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

With Friends Like These

"I know you're just trying to be helpful, but why don't you let me decide where my acupunture needles should go?"

'No appointments are available for the next three months, but you can always call in to the doctor's talk show.'

'Let me explain what i mean about a 'Stool Sample' Mr.Hattnel.'

'...You are on a waiting list to be ill.'

'I'd have to say you've been exposed to extremely high levels of polyester.'

"Would you mind turning down your Walkman just a little!"

If you think your pony is ailing.

"I was gonna try yoga, but I don't actually bend so that's not going to work."

"Doctor! This is not the time for the 'pull my finger' gag!"

'I want a divorce, Lenny.'

"The video of you giving that big bloke a piece of your mind has gone viral!"

'A good rule of thumb is never to eat anything that won't fit into your microwave.'

"Since this whole COVID thing I've had to adjust my practice."

I've hidden your clothes until you pay your last bill.

'I do not think I'm a God. God like, yes. But not God.'

'So, you're a serious investor? Lighten up!'

'Son, time to learn about the magic words every man must know to survive a marriage..'

'Al has vowed to climb the Food Pyramid...one mouthful at a time.'