Comedic Doctors Gifts

"Since this whole COVID thing I've had to adjust my practice."

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

Caution. Slippery when wet.

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

A therapist reads to his patient from a joke book.

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

Al, you need to get over your childish desire for a pony. It's not childish, doctor. I only started wanting one last week.

"5 second rule!"

"Enough medical mumbo jumbo, just give it to me straight, Doc-will I ever be able to play piano again?"

REPORT CARD, 'This is going to be tough to spin.'

I told you to take the stairs instead of elevators. Taking escalators isn't meeting me halfway.

You think you have feelings of worthlessness? You ought to see my portfolio!

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

With Friends Like These

'No appointments are available for the next three months, but you can always call in to the doctor's talk show.'

"I know you're just trying to be helpful, but why don't you let me decide where my acupunture needles should go?"

"Would you mind turning down your Walkman just a little!"

'I'd have to say you've been exposed to extremely high levels of polyester.'

'...You are on a waiting list to be ill.'

If you think your pony is ailing.

"I was gonna try yoga, but I don't actually bend so that's not going to work."

I've hidden your clothes until you pay your last bill.

"The video of you giving that big bloke a piece of your mind has gone viral!"

'A good rule of thumb is never to eat anything that won't fit into your microwave.'

"Doctor! This is not the time for the 'pull my finger' gag!"

'I want a divorce, Lenny.'

'I do not think I'm a God. God like, yes. But not God.'

'Son, time to learn about the magic words every man must know to survive a marriage..'

'Al has vowed to climb the Food Pyramid...one mouthful at a time.'