Comedic Doctor Pillows

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

A therapist reads to his patient from a joke book.

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

"Enough medical mumbo jumbo, just give it to me straight, Doc-will I ever be able to play piano again?"

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

REPORT CARD, 'This is going to be tough to spin.'

You think you have feelings of worthlessness? You ought to see my portfolio!

"I know you're just trying to be helpful, but why don't you let me decide where my acupunture needles should go?"

'No appointments are available for the next three months, but you can always call in to the doctor's talk show.'

'Let me explain what i mean about a 'Stool Sample' Mr.Hattnel.'

"Would you mind turning down your Walkman just a little!"

'...You are on a waiting list to be ill.'

'I'd have to say you've been exposed to extremely high levels of polyester.'

If you think your pony is ailing.

"I was gonna try yoga, but I don't actually bend so that's not going to work."

'A good rule of thumb is never to eat anything that won't fit into your microwave.'

"Doctor! This is not the time for the 'pull my finger' gag!"

"Since this whole COVID thing I've had to adjust my practice."

'I want a divorce, Lenny.'

"The video of you giving that big bloke a piece of your mind has gone viral!"

'I do not think I'm a God. God like, yes. But not God.'

'So, you're a serious investor? Lighten up!'

'Al has vowed to climb the Food Pyramid...one mouthful at a time.'

"You're enjoying this, aren't you – hammering away at my credibility."

'Son, time to learn about the magic words every man must know to survive a marriage..'