Comedic Counselor Gifts

How to Talk to Your Kids About Drugs

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

Diving Cat.

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Caution. Slippery when wet.

Excommunicate Me.

'You're either getting smaller or they're giving you bigger pillows.'

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

'He's lookin' at me!'

"I wouldn't want to be in your shoes."

To insure Rodney's safe websurfing, Thelma sets her own parental controls.

Al, you need to get over your childish desire for a pony. It's not childish, doctor. I only started wanting one last week.

"5 second rule!"

I told you to take the stairs instead of elevators. Taking escalators isn't meeting me halfway.

REPORT CARD, 'This is going to be tough to spin.'

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

You think you have feelings of worthlessness? You ought to see my portfolio!

'Hi Honey! I wanted to thank you for taking the baby to day care this morning!'

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

Alexander Graham Bell receives his first telephone call.

Why Men Get Angry and Why Women Get Angry

'I got the idea from a veterinarian friend of mine.'

With Friends Like These

'We offer counselling for customers with gearbox issues.'

"You bring the tequila, and I'll bring the Lyme."

"Would you mind turning down your Walkman just a little!"

"We're still figuring out how to monetise him."

"Usually we wouldn't let you in the sanctuary dressed in robe and sandals, but seeing as you are Jesus we will make an exception..."

'Dude, you better get outta' my whey.'

So sorry, I dialled the wrong number. I dialled my salary by mistake.

PETA

'I want a divorce, Lenny.'