Comedic Counsellors Gifts

'We offer counselling for customers with gearbox issues.'

The secret of living happily ever after....Do it alone.

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Caution. Slippery when wet.

Counselling Cash.

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

Excommunicate Me.

"I wouldn't want to be in your shoes."

Self Storage Unit

"You're everyman? But I thought I was everyman."

"I find it helps to imagine Go as some kind of divine creator."

Al, you need to get over your childish desire for a pony. It's not childish, doctor. I only started wanting one last week.

"Wow, souls seem a lot heavier lately"

"5 second rule!"

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

I told you to take the stairs instead of elevators. Taking escalators isn't meeting me halfway.

'My good memory is a curse: There are things I would like to forget...'

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

You think you have feelings of worthlessness? You ought to see my portfolio!

REPORT CARD, 'This is going to be tough to spin.'

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

'Milton, you really did make it to the other side!'

'Still saving money to finish that nose job eh?'

Free Associating.

With Friends Like These

'Ignore me, it's just my nut allergy.'

'I chase women, but only to tell them about investment opportunities.'

"Would you mind turning down your Walkman just a little!"

"When I said I wanted closure, this is not what I had in mind!"

'So you're having visions and hearing voices - I'd say you're either really really mad or really really religious.'

Men telling stories

"There's a smidgen of Charlie Rose about you."