Comedically Inclined Pet Owner Gifts

'If you insist on feeding your dog table scraps, fine...'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'You'll be getting $5,000 worth of doggy treats this week. If your owner sees the charge on his credit card, you don't know me.'

Man wearing T-Shirt saying 'Dog's Best Friend'

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

"I think what he's trying to tell you, dear, is that he doesn't quite care for the cheaper dog food!"

"What fly?"

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

'I'm not an indoor cat. I'm a bitter, angry, frustrated, resentful, repressed cat.'

'Do you have to do that every time?'

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

"Oh, God, am I housebroken."

"You'd like a second opinion? Okay, I think you should stay off the furniture too."

'You look lovely, but we need to lengthen your train a bit...'

Clown Firing Squad.

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

"You're not a bad dog for driving. You're a bad dog for not wearing a seat belt."

"Pet peeves" "I fear the cat." "I fear the cat" "I fear the cat." "Fecced me."

'Pointless Pets: A ceramic tiled giraffe.'

'Stop biting your nails son and get to sleep!'

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

'Achoo! I can't believe I'm allergic to sand. I bet this doesn't end well...'

'Aaaaaah! Kenny's fallen in! Don't make eye contact! Play dead, Kenny! Play dead!'

' Emergency Pet Hospital? My Basset Hound got into my husband's Viagara...'

'There's no evidence use of steroids will improve dog show performance.'

'Dr Phil sez, if I'm gittin' the milk for free, I should do the right thing and marry her!'

'You think one is tough, try raising two!'

'Not me...I'm watching my cholesterol!'

'Well, I don't happen to believe you went there.'

Devils in hell bang on the ceiling as the angels upstairs are being too noisy.