Comedic Theologian Gifts

'I've got an epistle to the Corinthians, ten shekels postage due.'

"This weekend is seriously messing with some of my previously held beliefs."

I'm afraid of heights.

Christian Book Centre.

Jesus saves.

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

"Uh-oh! Here comes trouble!"

"Aw... go on! An apple a day keeps the doctor away y'know..!"

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

Zoo: No Hunting.

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

Genetic Fingerprinting.

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

Monkey Business College

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

Excommunicate Me.

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'