Comedic Archaeologist Gifts

'I couldn't find any mastodons, and besides, this is a big darn rabbit!'

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

Genetic Fingerprinting.

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

Fish Posting No Fishing Sign

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

"Before I start. . . . are you sure pruning doesn't violate the tree's rights?"

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

Monkey Business College

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

Tree growing

"What if we don't like their country personas?"

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

"Great pet, but we should have given him less energy."

Lambo