Comedic Cleric Gifts

"Usually we wouldn't let you in the sanctuary dressed in robe and sandals, but seeing as you are Jesus we will make an exception..."

Excommunicate Me.

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"I let go of all my earthly attachments, but there's one I can't seem to shake."

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"When I said the surgery was minimally invasive I wasn't talking about your finances."

"Great pet, but we should have given him less energy."

Tree growing

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

How cats see their home

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

"What if we don't like their country personas?"

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

'One question. Now that death's over and done with, do I still have to worry about taxes?'

"This weekend is seriously messing with some of my previously held beliefs."

'You thought I'd gone out of business? What gave you that idea?'

"Wait a minute! - First you say, 'Lay up treasures in Heaven,' and then you say, 'You can't take it with you'!"

"I have an existential dread of falling off your couch."