Comedic Cleric Gifts

"Usually we wouldn't let you in the sanctuary dressed in robe and sandals, but seeing as you are Jesus we will make an exception..."

Excommunicate Me.

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

"I let go of all my earthly attachments, but there's one I can't seem to shake."

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

"When I said the surgery was minimally invasive I wasn't talking about your finances."

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

"What if we don't like their country personas?"

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

"Great pet, but we should have given him less energy."

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

Tree growing

How cats see their home

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

Why is it the universe keeps expanding but there's never any room in my closet?

"5 second rule!"

'One question. Now that death's over and done with, do I still have to worry about taxes?'

'You thought I'd gone out of business? What gave you that idea?'

"This weekend is seriously messing with some of my previously held beliefs."