Comedic Clergy Follower Gifts

'Miss Allen, have we scheduled a blessing of the animals?'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

Excommunicate Me.

"I let go of all my earthly attachments, but there's one I can't seem to shake."

'I appreciate you enthusiasm...but please stop doing the Wave.'

"This weekend is seriously messing with some of my previously held beliefs."

"Is that your resting witch or resting bitch face. . .?"

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

"Uh-oh! Here comes trouble!"

'I've got an epistle to the Corinthians, ten shekels postage due.'

I'm afraid of heights.

I'm not going to vote because there aren't any televised debates. What? Debates are pretty much the only good thing about election season. You get to watch the politicians hate each other in person. And you get to watch the panic in their eyes when they mess up an answer and realize they've just ruined their entire political career. If they're not gonna bother entertaining me, why should I bother giving them my vote? I love casting ballots. Any opportunity to flex is worthwhile.

"Do I look like the sort who knows anything about lawns?"

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Let me give you some advice on marriage, Joe. . . try to think of me as the pope. . .'

Jesus saves.

Exorcism and Other Jobs.

'Blessed before 20/01/00'

catholic

One door closes, another opens. I used to have a car like that!

Ernie, that's not what he meant when he said, "Listen closely to what I'm going to tell you."

Christian Book Centre.

'That's my slogan, you lousy thieveing creep!'

"Usually we wouldn't let you in the sanctuary dressed in robe and sandals, but seeing as you are Jesus we will make an exception..."

'This is where the seasoned candidate strategically pauses for effect.'

'Your explanation for all these business dinners with my wife better be good!'

Giant ape eating human as advised by diet book

Someone need to set Adam straight on why Eve's there. He keeps calling her "Bachelorette No. 1".

"There's a man at the door collecting for Jesus...."

Evangelist and dog trainer extraordinaire, Ernie Gumbromowitz.

"Aw... go on! An apple a day keeps the doctor away y'know..!"

"You need to put in 10,000 hours."

'Whose hair is that on your shoulder?'.

"Neither Confucius nor Lao-Tse nor Buddha can help you. You either have a knack for chopsticks, or you don't ."