Comedic Churchgoer Gifts

"Oh, no! Do you mean we still have to go to Church?!"

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Priest

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

Verger Works

'Let us pray...'

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

CCTV in church.

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

Baptism Then and Now

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"I have an app for that."

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."