Comedic Congregation Member Gifts

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"Now you've seen the bust how about letting me see Naples?"

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

Caution. Slippery when wet.

'You're either getting smaller or they're giving you bigger pillows.'

Excommunicate Me.

"I let go of all my earthly attachments, but there's one I can't seem to shake."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

'I appreciate you enthusiasm...but please stop doing the Wave.'

'He's lookin' at me!'

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

'Hi Honey! I wanted to thank you for taking the baby to day care this morning!'

"Is that your resting witch or resting bitch face. . .?"

'I got the idea from a veterinarian friend of mine.'

'I think I see why attendance has been down.'

'...and to speed up the collection process, donations can now be made by texting 'CHURCH' to 873346.'

I'm the gorilla's nuts... I'm the dog's bo****ks... He's never been good at hiding his light under a bushel.

"Marcel!! You're on mute!!"

'Miss Allen, have we scheduled a blessing of the animals?'

catholic

"We're still figuring out how to monetise him."

Collection plate at church with signs of the credit cards the church will take.

"I was gonna try yoga, but I don't actually bend so that's not going to work."

"Usually we wouldn't let you in the sanctuary dressed in robe and sandals, but seeing as you are Jesus we will make an exception..."

National Union of Contortionists: We vote with our feet

Evangelist and dog trainer extraordinaire, Ernie Gumbromowitz.

"Don't you worry about the dangers of spreading germs?"

"Scruffy? I'm not scruffy! I'm natural!"

'Every time I stick my head above water, my life flashes before my eyes.'

'You're not sucking. You're playing.'

'You'd get more work done if you didn't stop and smell the roses so often!'

"I yelled 'shazam' and there was lightning and a big explosion. They say I was unconcious for two hours."