Comedic Catholic Gifts

catholic

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

Get crazy once in a while

'Well if I'm so 'bloody useless' perhaps you'd better read the map!'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

I'm getting old, I spotted a couple of brown hairs among the punk.

'Well, given that you have three broken ribs, laughing is bound to be painful...'

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

Excommunicate Me.

"It's our latest celebrity scent, it's called Elon Musk. It smells like money!"

'Well, for the sake of argument, just pretend you've done something wicked.'

'Nice this kite sailboat. But how do you actually land it?'

"This weekend is seriously messing with some of my previously held beliefs."

Pope Francis

"Uh-oh! Here comes trouble!"

Pope Benedict at Easter

'Oh, for heaven's sake. Ethan's having another growth spurt.'

'I've got an epistle to the Corinthians, ten shekels postage due.'

I'm afraid of heights.

'We moved here so we could have a wide screen.'

He's working his way up to lions!

'Dads On Steroids' Dad swung his child through fence accidentally.

'He has so much stuff, toys and gadgets so now we punish him by sending him to our room.'

'Speak up!'

'Blessed before 20/01/00'

"Say: 'Alien Abduction'."

Christian Book Centre.

Jesus saves.

'It's called a monogram, not a shirt tattoo.'

Mr Briggs's sPleasures of Fishing - No. I

'Is it for your wife or your girl friend?'

"Me? I thougt they were your anniversary surprise!"