Comedic Confidant Gifts

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Time for tea and friendship.

Diving Cat.

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

"It's my box of secrets. It has things I've thought about but would never tell anyone!"

Excommunicate Me.

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

With his mothers persuasion, Joe decided to 'come clean' to the police!

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

"Great pet, but we should have given him less energy."

"What if we don't like their country personas?"

'One question. Now that death's over and done with, do I still have to worry about taxes?'

'I hope we don't start getting competition from redundant bankers homes.'

"This weekend is seriously messing with some of my previously held beliefs."

"Tuesday is my day off - leave a message..."

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

"Uh-oh! Here comes trouble!"

"Is that your resting witch or resting bitch face. . .?"

'I want a refund! It refuses to go into my son's room!!'

'I've got an epistle to the Corinthians, ten shekels postage due.'

Why Men Get Angry and Why Women Get Angry

'Which would be cheaper, let bullies continue to take my lunch money or take karate lessons?'

Why the Dinosaurs really died out: 'Dang...They're too ugly to have sex with and too disgusting to eat... Let's kill them.'

'Enlightenment isn't EITHER overrated!'