Comedic Confidant Pillows

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Time for tea and friendship.

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

Diving Cat.

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

With his mothers persuasion, Joe decided to 'come clean' to the police!

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

Excommunicate Me.

"It's my box of secrets. It has things I've thought about but would never tell anyone!"

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

"Great pet, but we should have given him less energy."

"What if we don't like their country personas?"

'One question. Now that death's over and done with, do I still have to worry about taxes?'

"This weekend is seriously messing with some of my previously held beliefs."

'I hope we don't start getting competition from redundant bankers homes.'

'I want a refund! It refuses to go into my son's room!!'

"Tuesday is my day off - leave a message..."

"Is that your resting witch or resting bitch face. . .?"

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

"Uh-oh! Here comes trouble!"

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

'I've got an epistle to the Corinthians, ten shekels postage due.'

'Which would be cheaper, let bullies continue to take my lunch money or take karate lessons?'

Why Men Get Angry and Why Women Get Angry

I'm afraid of heights.