Comedic Companion Pillows

Diving Cat.

Why Men Get Angry and Why Women Get Angry

"You bring the tequila, and I'll bring the Lyme."

PETA

Airport Security.

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

'So much for your new Satnav!'

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

'I told you not to rely on the sat-nav.'

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

"How can we get away from it all if you're bringing it all with you?"

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

Touring Holidays - On the P***

"I know I said, 'If there's anything I can do,' but I draw the line on licking your incision for you."

"Listen, and I'll explain it to you again..."

"It seems to me you may be experiencing some form of low-level depression."

"I touched another squirrel's nuts. Any other questions?"

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

"He's my escort, and he's a teddy bear."

'I'm sick and tired of begging!'

'Have you put her on the strict diet I prescribed?'

Zoology. Cheetahs can reach speeds up to sixty miles an hour! Amazing, and yet they never win!

"My mating dances were unsuccessful, so I tried reciting poetry: didn't work either..."

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

'We're lost - I told ye to take the low road.'

"Yes, who do I punch in the face for overbooking my flight?"

'The answer is yes - I'll sign your pre-nuptial agreement.'

Searching for condom.

"Thar someone from the IRS blows!"