Comedic Friends Pillows

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"Now you've seen the bust how about letting me see Naples?"

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

'He took from the rich and gave to the poor? It sounds like wealth redistribution.'

Diving Cat.

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

'Would you say your glass is half empty or half full?' 'Whose round is it?'

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

"You heading south again this summer?"

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

"Any other educational qualifications besides Trump university?"

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

'I want a refund! It refuses to go into my son's room!!'

Student to teacher: 'If my paper is late it's because I'm waiting for the most current event.'

'If they let me take you home for christmas, I'll be able to unwrap you with the presents...'

Why Men Get Angry and Why Women Get Angry

"It's your husband from beyond. He says stop trying to 'Google' him."

'So, what have we learnt here? We do not have knife fights on the bouncy castle!'

'Oh... I was supposed to swallow the pill?!'

'How can I miss you if you won't go away!'

"When you said you were getting a pet to help you through the lockdown, I thought you meant a cat."

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

No, thank you, I brought my own bag.

"Well, I think they fit perfectly."