Comedic Relationship Enthusiast Pillows

"Gee whizz, Mr. Curtis, a million dollars isn't old!"

Wedding Day Itinerary.

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

"The blow drier is broken."

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

"You heading south again this summer?"

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

'Hey babe, I got two tickets to the gun show, you interested?'

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

"Sorry I'm late: I was hitching a ride but when the driver noticed me, he panicked and we had an accident..."

"Any other educational qualifications besides Trump university?"

Student to teacher: 'If my paper is late it's because I'm waiting for the most current event.'

'If they let me take you home for christmas, I'll be able to unwrap you with the presents...'

"It's your husband from beyond. He says stop trying to 'Google' him."

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

'How can I miss you if you won't go away!'

"When you said you were getting a pet to help you through the lockdown, I thought you meant a cat."

"Honey, I'm home."

'The answer is yes - I'll sign your pre-nuptial agreement.'

'Oh... I was supposed to swallow the pill?!'

Searching for condom.

'So, what have we learnt here? We do not have knife fights on the bouncy castle!'

'That holiday I booked for my wife to the Galapagos Islands? She found her way back, so can we try another destination?'

"Okay, but just a quick kiss, Joey... You did see my father's gun collection, right?"