Comedic Relationship Analyst Pillows

"Honey, I'm home."

I don't mind you being the butch one in our relationship, but must you keep leaving the toilet seat up?

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

"So, how are we doing with our trust issues?"

"Men can keep a secret, but it takes a woman to tell them that it was supposed to be a secret!"

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

Awkward First Dates

'At last, the newly discovered films of Woody Alien.'

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

I asked my girlfriend if there was someone else...

Relationships.

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

"It's nothing, go back to sleep. I was just getting a DNA sample."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

Sharing the Bed with Zeno

(Diamonds shining, … Dancing, dining, …with some man in a restaurant. Is that all you really want?) (Are you making this up?) (Unsophisticated Lady)

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

"I'm ready to go whenever you're through fussing with tablescapes."

"I've had you appraised."

"Oh darling! I just got your wonderful value added proposition! Of course I'll marry you!"

"I miss the way it was when I thought you knew everything."

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

"Remember that lovely couple of scarlet macaws we met in Puerto Jiménez? They split up!"

"She's got money and he's a 'poet'."

"This not the way I envisioned falling in love."

'And that, in a nutshell, is why men don't understand women.'

"I need a more interactive you."

'Huh! You men are all alike!'

"You can't let the tick birds continue to define you."

"With Harry all options are on the table, including pointlessly looking for a job that doesn't exist for him anymore."

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."