Comedic Companions Pillows

"You know times are tough when a rugged voice saying 'We're all in this together' dubbed over footage of an SUV snaking down a mountain road is comforting."

"I heard they mate for life."

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

Diving Cat.

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

Of course your master calls you 'Man's best friend'. As your attorney I advise you to get it in writing.

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

Best friends without borders.

"I know I said, 'If there's anything I can do,' but I draw the line on licking your incision for you."

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

"Do you prefer lavender scent or strawberry?"

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

"Listen, and I'll explain it to you again..."

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

"I touched another squirrel's nuts. Any other questions?"

'I'm sick and tired of begging!'

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

Zoology. Cheetahs can reach speeds up to sixty miles an hour! Amazing, and yet they never win!

Why Men Get Angry and Why Women Get Angry

'How can I miss you if you won't go away!'

'Well, I don't happen to believe you went there.'

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

McHappy

'The answer is yes - I'll sign your pre-nuptial agreement.'

"Sure, it's disgusting, but it's nice to have something that needs me."

"The doctor said I need to shop around for a casket. I asked for a second opinion and he suggested cremation."

Searching for condom.

"Well, I think they fit perfectly."