Comedic Advisor Pillows

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

With Friends Like These

'Son, time to learn about the magic words every man must know to survive a marriage..'

Wedding Day Itinerary.

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

Monkey Business College

"I wouldn't want to be in your shoes."

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

"You heading south again this summer?"

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

"Complaining empowers us."

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

"Any other educational qualifications besides Trump university?"

You think you have feelings of worthlessness? You ought to see my portfolio!

I told you to take the stairs instead of elevators. Taking escalators isn't meeting me halfway.

Fisherman Funneral

REPORT CARD, 'This is going to be tough to spin.'

"I understand she's marrying him for his condominium in Fort Lauderdale."

Student to teacher: 'If my paper is late it's because I'm waiting for the most current event.'

"It's your husband from beyond. He says stop trying to 'Google' him."

'If they let me take you home for christmas, I'll be able to unwrap you with the presents...'

No, thank you, I brought my own bag.

'Elections are easier to understand if you think of them as performance art.'

"You can't beat Channel 5's sport coverage."

"Connect the dots"