Comedic Advisor Pillows

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

'Son, time to learn about the magic words every man must know to survive a marriage..'

Wedding Day Itinerary.

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

Monkey Business College

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

"I wouldn't want to be in your shoes."

"You heading south again this summer?"

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

Fisherman Funneral

"I understand she's marrying him for his condominium in Fort Lauderdale."

You think you have feelings of worthlessness? You ought to see my portfolio!

"Complaining empowers us."

REPORT CARD, 'This is going to be tough to spin.'

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

Student to teacher: 'If my paper is late it's because I'm waiting for the most current event.'

'If they let me take you home for christmas, I'll be able to unwrap you with the presents...'

"We haven't been married long enough for you to reprimand my dog."

"Connect the dots"

'So, what have we learnt here? We do not have knife fights on the bouncy castle!'

'Oh... I was supposed to swallow the pill?!'

'Elections are easier to understand if you think of them as performance art.'