Comedic Legal Advisor Pillows

"I wouldn't want to be in your shoes."

What do you mean, "Did I try anything funny?"

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

Portrait of a Serial Attorney.

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Armstrong, the new Ybox game console comes out next week. I've got to get in line at Computer Villa. Nope. You are callous and inhumane. Fortunately, I have a backup plan. Computer Villa sale! If anyone cuts, chew their nose off.

"5 second rule!"

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

'I thought you said inflatables were allowed on the beach.'

You think you have feelings of worthlessness? You ought to see my portfolio!

I told you to take the stairs instead of elevators. Taking escalators isn't meeting me halfway.

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

REPORT CARD, 'This is going to be tough to spin.'

'Remember his weakness is a pulled tendon, so keep it as high as your bursitis will let you, but take it easy with your fast ball because of my bone chips.'

With Friends Like These

Chemical Lawyers.

'We offer counselling for customers with gearbox issues.'

'You didn't train for this marathon, did you?'

Figure Skating: Dee Thumble,

The immortal philosopher Murphy sets pen to paper...

"It's time to go home and put our parents into a panic over the upcoming back to school shopping season..."

'A good rule of thumb is never to eat anything that won't fit into your microwave.'

'I want a divorce, Lenny.'

'Dude, you better get outta' my whey.'

'I think your anger may derive from the fact that you're driving a minivan.'

'Son, time to learn about the magic words every man must know to survive a marriage..'

"You're enjoying this, aren't you – hammering away at my credibility."

'Slight problem - we didn't make the knife screening arch wide enough!'

'He's supposed to be an animal rights supporter but he'll talk the hind legs off a donkey!'

'So, you're a serious investor? Lighten up!'

Gymnast

Social Security Medicare Office - Now Hiring Phd In Theoretical Mathematics to Explain the Medicare Drug Options.

'He can't stand the sight of blood.'

'I like to do my bit for the environment.'

How to Talk to Your Kids About Drugs