Comedic Strategists Pillows

"It's time to go home and put our parents into a panic over the upcoming back to school shopping season..."

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'Our recommended position on the market is fetal.'

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

Armstrong, the new Ybox game console comes out next week. I've got to get in line at Computer Villa. Nope. You are callous and inhumane. Fortunately, I have a backup plan. Computer Villa sale! If anyone cuts, chew their nose off.

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'Whenever I want to cut my lesson short, I ask the music teacher if she has any hip-hop music for the violin.'

'The cannon will go off every 20 minutes just to make sure you're paying attention,'

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

'You have a 9:00 A.M. appointment with your ophthalmologist to check your vision and a 11:00 A.M. appointment with the staff to rally the troops around your vision.'

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

'You're in luck - My parents like you.'

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

Tonight's Lecture: Your share of the national debt. That explains my credit rating.

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

Why is it the universe keeps expanding but there's never any room in my closet?

Tree growing

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"