Comedic Financial Strategist Pillows

"I'm trying to forget a 401k."

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

Yes, they are all dependants."

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

I'm here to update your census form. Since you mailed the form in, have any of your children moved back in with you?

'Whenever I want to cut my lesson short, I ask the music teacher if she has any hip-hop music for the violin.'

"Okay, what if we go outside - will it still be insider trading then?"

'The cannon will go off every 20 minutes just to make sure you're paying attention,'

"This may seem counter intuitive, but maybe the solution is to lighten up."

'All my children have been successful. Frank here is in the Oval Office.'

Sorry, Rudy, no way can I raise your pay to $15 an hour. Why not? 'Cause that would destroy jobs. What would you do for a job once I moved the caf

"I know they say that laughter at work is healthy, but not when they're laughing at our profit forecasts!"

"All right, Thompson. The board concedes that this quarter's economic growth does look very much like a kitty.

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

"You have $3,098 in the bank? I'm impressed! So...do you think about investing it?"

"We went dutch - he must have reached his two-hundred-dollar dating deductible."

'You have a 9:00 A.M. appointment with your ophthalmologist to check your vision and a 11:00 A.M. appointment with the staff to rally the troops around your vision.'

'This drug treats 'stock market jitters' but a side effect is 'irrational exuberance'.'

'Slaug-ter house? I wonder what that is. C'mon, I'll race you!'

At The Clown Bank.

TELLER, 'Thirty-seven dollars? -- you call THAT overdrawn?'

"So that's my presentation: Could I have 100 million for the startup?"

'One day son, all of this will be yours.'

You need to stay home and study. Mom! It's an educational opportunity

"Tut! You've tapped in the wrong number again!"

Royal Mail Privatisation

Invested pot of gold in the stock market.

'You mean if I want extra money I have to go to work? That's your job, dad.'

'All profits go directly to charity'

'Fortunately, I'm serving, concurrently, both my interest and principle.'

"The pound is reaching parity with Liz Truss."

"What??? For that money I used to get at least a judge, a congressman, and a city councilman!!"

"The Scrimpshaws have finally decided to deposit their savings."

'That's our quilt edged investments sorted.'